pregnancy – Page 4

On the Edge of Motherhood

July 5, 2016 by Asharae 2 Comments

I sit here in our nursery on the edge of our biggest life transition yet. Just under a week to go till our due date, our hospital bags are packed, the bassinet is setup, baby clothes are washed, and our car seat is installed, and yet I feel so utterly unprepared. Not in a bad way – just in the way that I know everything is about to be different and I know there’s no possible way I could truly prepare myself for it.

No amount of reading books and asking friends and Googling my questions can prepare me for this next step of our adventure. I have a feeling that learning what it looks like to welcome a child into this world and into our family has to be experienced to be learned. And I kinda love that.

When you’re pregnant everyone tells you, “Life will never be the same!” “Everything changes when you have kids!” And a particularly annoying one, “Get all the sleep you can now!” as if you could stockpile sleep. One quick sidenote – a nurse friend of mine framed this advice differently telling me to nap when I need to nap and get lots of rest leading up to delivery because I’d need the energy for labor. Now that I can get onboard with! I have felt a little more weary lately, so it’s helpful to think of resting to prepare for labor rather than simply to make deposits to this mythical sleep bank everyone else seems to be referring to.

I know everyone’s advice is well-meaning, and I know they’re right in saying that everything is about to change. But rather than make it sound like a doomsday prophesy, why not share all the ways life is about to get sweeter? Sure there will be sleepless nights and dirty diapers, but those are the things I know I signed up for.

What I’m more interested in is what’s around the corner that I don’t even realize yet. It might be baby snuggles and sweet baby smell, the discussions of whose baby photos our babe most resembles, the joy of watching this little one learn and grow, and an intense and overwhelming love for something so tiny. But what are the other things? The things I can’t even put words to yet? Those are the ones I’m most excited about.

Rejecting Fear in Favor of Trust

March 2, 2016 by Asharae 4 Comments

Since becoming pregnant, I’ve found that most mommy forums and blogs, pregnancy books, and even advice and stories from well-meaning friends all tend toward fear mongering. Every informational source seems determined to enlighten you on all the things that could possibly go wrong for you and your baby.

Forums tend to be full of strong opinions and terrible advice (if you know of any good pregnancy forums, send them my way!) Books like What to Expect contain every possible scenario of what could go wrong (I’ve only been reading the month-by-month updates while skipping over any headlines that sound like a scary diagnosis.) And well-meaning (usually kid-free) friends are quick to share their anecdotes, “Oh I know this girl who was in labor for 36 HOURS! Can you imagine??”

While most of this advice and storytelling truly doesn’t bother me personally, it just illustrates how much fear and worry surrounds pregnancy. There are so many things that can and maybe will go wrong. So much to worry about and stress over. Any twinge or tweak you feel could be your body growing as it should OR it could be something disastrous! I can’t imagine how much more stressful hearing these stories could be for women who are more prone to anxiety and worry than I am.

(Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting those stories where something truly does go wrong. Or even the pregnancies that do require close monitoring for various reasons. Those stories deserve their own conversation entirely. Here I’m talking about unfounded pregnancy fears – the ones that simply exist because we feel anxious or in need of more control over our own situation.)

I don’t think of myself as someone who worries a lot, but being pregnant definitely makes me feel like I should be worrying more. Maybe I don’t care enough if I’m not strictly avoiding all deli meats, soft cheeses, and caffeine. Am I hurting my baby by exercising? Or is it worse to sit on the couch all day? What medicine am I allowed to take for this headache or that queasy stomach? Should I call the doctor for that twinge? And heaven forbid I start Googling any of my pregnancy symptoms to make sure they’re normal.

I can’t even begin to express how much I want to reject the fear. Women have been having babies for thousands and thousands of years. Somehow it seems that maybe, just maybe, our bodies were meant to do this.

It’s incredible really.

And I have to choose to trust that my body knows what it’s doing, rather than fear that it doesn’t. It’s been an extraordinary experience to notice the changes in my body from the beginning. The soreness, the complete exhaustion, the tightness across my belly and the stretching sensations that indicate that my body is making space to grow a human being. All these little signals show that my body is doing something wild and beautiful that I have absolutely no control over. And I kind of love that. There’s something extraordinary to be learned in the letting go process of knowing I can’t control what my body is doing and rejoicing in that rather than fearing it.

Even now I’m imagining how much this thought process could bleed out into other areas of my life. What other things am I choosing to hold with fear rather than release with trust? What needs open hands rather than tight fists, grasping for some measure of control and understanding? What needs letting go?

If you’re pregnant or have children, I would love to hear your thoughts and experience with this. And even if you don’t, you’re welcome to the table! Are there things in your own life that need a similar measure of trust instead of fear?

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Pregnancy, a blogging hiatus, and learning to rest

January 26, 2016 by Asharae 4 Comments

As I sit down to share my thoughts on the last couple months, I can tell that my writing muscle is feeling a little rusty. I feel sort of like I’m getting back to doing yoga after taking weeks away from my mat. Everything feels a little sore and in need of some good stretching.

In the fall I had all good intentions of sharing delicious recipes as well as a few fun DIY handlettering projects in anticipation of my book release – but I somehow forgot that fall is to wedding photographers what tax season is for accountants. And this fall was our busiest yet. I think at one point I was buried beneath 9 weddings to edit – yikes. All our days pre-Christmas turned into seemingly never-ending hours with a how-much-can-we-get-done-before-we-sleep-tonight mindset. Luckily we have amazing couples who are sweet and understanding and (mostly) patient, but we knew some things had to be put on the back burner for the time being so we could focus more on each of the couples we serve. So. I reluctantly decided to step away from this little online space for a bit.

In stepping away I found some freedom to rest – freedom to not spend every waking hour working on either Grain & Compass or This Wild Season. It was refreshing and necessary I think, particularly in a season where so much actually did need to get done each day. Being able to work hard when I needed to allowed me the freedom to relax each evening before bed, stay away from my inbox on the weekends, and simply say no to some things. That freedom to rest has been a life saver in a season that otherwise has felt hectic and unsettled.

In the midst of learning how to step back, make time to rest, and also buckle down and get work done when necessary, we found out that we’re expecting a baby this summer! (Yes it was on purpose, we’re due July 11th, no we’re not finding out the gender ahead of time, and yes you actually can touch my belly – I’m very proud of it. Any other questions?)

Beyond anything Tim and I have done together, this feels like our wildest and most exciting adventure. I’d been so terrified, honestly, of getting pregnant for so long that I just kept putting off the conversation for later. When Tim and I finally confronted what it was we were avoiding, and really started to get to the bottom of it, we realized we weren’t trusting that the Lord was going to provide for us if we added a baby to the mix. We were afraid he wouldn’t provide the money to support a baby, enough work to allow us to continue doing what we love, or the time for us to follow the various things we’re passionate about. Realizing this and naming our fear was huge for us.

We had always wanted to “get to the next step” before we even began to think about kids. We realized though that if we kept doing that – if we kept waiting for the next best thing – we would never ever arrive, and we would never have kids. So, over the course of a few months our hearts slowly changed and softened toward the idea of having a baby sooner rather than later. That terrified feeling isn’t completely gone, but we are so grateful and excited to be on this adventure together.